


You're So Golden

by haroldsdiamonds (larryscollarbones), larryscollarbones



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Louis, Flirting, High School, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love/Hate, M/M, Minor Character Death, Popular Harry Styles, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:34:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryscollarbones/pseuds/haroldsdiamonds, https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryscollarbones/pseuds/larryscollarbones
Summary: In which Louis sees the world through Harry's eyes.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

_**You're So Golden-** _

**Chapter 1:**

Louis doesn't really know when the depression started. All he knows is that one morning he woke up and wasn't really feeling sad. But...nothing. He felt nothing.

It was almost like a numbnessss. A numbness that first crawled into his toes. Then slowly spread its way up, leaving that empty feeling everywhere it went and settling there.

Leaving him numb..and empty.

Some days Louis had literally no motivation. No motivation to eat, no motivation to shower, no motivation to even get out of bed. And really, it was almost funny the way depression worked; because somedays he was fine. He felt _happy._ He would wake up, eat, shower, go to school, and laugh while teasing his friends. But it could be just ten minutes later when _it_ would come out of nowhere and just _settle._ It was like a light switch flicking off, in only a second it would flick down and bring all the light with it.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

A light drizzle of rain fell from the overcast sky, hitting the window before gradually seeping down and leaving a wet condensation in its wake.

Louis' veiny finger traced over the raindrops spilling down on the other side of the glass. The remains of old nail-polish painted his fingernails, the black polish chipped and worn out in certain places.

A cold finger trailed over the **_'L+ L'_** that was sloppily engraved into the wooden window sill.

His eyes fluttered closed at the sudden hot rush of tears to his eyes as her silly crackle of a laugh rang in his ears.

Cold ice-cream ran down their joyful faces. Their fingers quickly numbing up from the sweet treat. She let out a laugh, blonde hair bouncing on her shoulders. Her face still held a youthful look. Innocent and sweet. Their sticky fingers tangled together as they giggled, strawberry flavoured breath mingled together, tickling each other's faces.

They carved their initials into the wooden window sill with a broken shard of grey rock.

The front door of the house slamming shut broke Louis out of his thoughts. Heels clacking on wooden floors sounded throughout the house as his mum appeared in the doorframe of the kitchen. A tired frown pulled her lips down. She placed her purse down on the table before pulling off her coat and plopping it on top of it. Shiny white wet snow dotted the black fabric of the winter coat.

She stood there motionlesss for a second, head bent down, staring at her belongings all lied in a big heap on the table. Louis sat there, watching her wearily for a minute before opening his mouth to call her, "mum-"

"Louis, darling." She cut him off, finally looking up at her son. Her eyes held a guilty glint to them. Face tired and body held up in a lazy way. "We-we need to talk."

Louis tried to think back to all the earlier events of the day but couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong that would make her take a toll at him.

The older woman sighed, "honey, you are not in trouble. Just-" She cut off abruptly, looking down and placing her car keys on the counter, the sound of the metal hitting the surface of the marble countertop echoed throughout the space of the kitchen.

"Look. You haven't _done_ anything wrong." She raised her head back up watching Louis' back as he sat at the bay window looking out, fingers drawing lines on the wet window. "I just- God, Louis. I worry about you. You haven't been yourself in years." She whispered out, as if she was afraid speaking would ruin the quiet atmosphere of the room.

Louis quietly looked over at him mum. "She's _gone_ , mum." He mumbled, words barely audible. His eyes started to water back up with fresh tears. "What am I supposed to do? Just continue on with everything?" Fusturated tears started flowing from his eyes as his words got louder, " _act like she never existed?!_ " He shouted out, face turning a bright red colour. His screams bouncing off the walls of the house.

Johannah closed her eyes tightly but a few tears still found theirway out. "Louis." Her voice shook. "Please, don't raise your voice at me. You know damn well that her-her _death_ affected everybody in this family." Her hands shook where they rested at her sides. "We all miss her, Louis. You're being selfish-"

" _Selfish!?"_ Louis exploded, jumping up and raising his fist before pounding it into the wall. Glass shattered and sprayed out everywhere as picture frames and shelves went crashing to the floor. " _I fucking knew her! I knew every. Damn. Thing!! I knew everything about her!"_ He screamed out crying, words and tears blending together, " _I knew how she would lock herself into her room and cry every night in her room because people were making fun of her at school. I knew she dyed her hair because these girls at schoool were calling her names and saying her hair was fucking ugly! And you never even bothered to ask her why! Yo_ _u just bought the dyes before happily bouncing out the door on your way to another shift at the bar."_ Louis grabbed a frame on the counter before thrashing it across the room and screaming, " _You just let her! You just let her, mum! You never even bothered to ask her why! You just fucking let her."_ He snarled, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling as he screamed curse words and insults toward the woman. " _I knew how she would always pour the milk in before the cereal_ _. How she would always use your body wash because she said tha_ _t it reminded her of you and comforted her. Did you eve-"_ Louis' mouth snapped shut when Johannah slammed her fist down on the table, screaming, before slapping him hard across the cheek, his head jerking to the side with the force of it.

Louis' hand slowly raised up, touching the stinging pain in his cheek with surprise.

"Louis. I-" Johannah muttered, mouth agape and eyes swelling up with tears and regret. Louis started to walk off, inhuman sounding cries and sobs escaping his mouth before Johannah grabbed his arm with a sob, "Louis-please. Just please. Listen to me, baby."

Louis breathed in through his nose. "Mum. Get off me. Now."

"Louis just-just listen." Her voice cracked as she cried, face contorted in distraight. "I know you miss Lottie. I miss her. I miss her everyday, Louis. We all miss her. She was my daughter, Lou. She will always have a special place in my heart. I know how close you two were. God. I know, Louis. You practically raised her. I was always off taking shifts here and there. But that's only because money was tight, Louis. Money still is tight. I just wanted to provide for you two. I love you two. I wanted the best for you two. I know how you two understood each other like nobody else could." She rubbed her eyes as more tears fell. "Bu-but. Louis. I'm so worried. I'm so worried." She sobbed with every word she spoke. "You haven't smiled, let alone laughed since she's been gone. I-I miss your smile, Louis. I miss your beautiful laugh. I miss you." She hiccuped, trying to get everything out but couldn't as tears took over and her body started shaking. She looked down, closing her eyes. "I-I'm so sorry."

Louis' arms wrapped around her tightly, eyes closing and head nestled against her chest. "Mum. Mum. Hey. Don't apologize."

The woman shook her head, another pitiful sob escaping her. "No, Louis." She cried out, meeting his eyes. "Louis. We-we have t-to move."

Louis felt his throat tighten and hot tears spilled from his eyes. "M-move?" He let out a dry laugh. She had to be joking.

His mum let out a broken noise, "Y-yes. I-I talked with your councler. I'm so worried. I didn't know what else to do. You were not talking to anyone. She told me that we have gotten to a point where this might be the only decision, Louis. I've already talked to the company over in Williamsburg. You were put in their systems yesterday."

Louis' mind felt fuzzy. Like there was a dull broken record playing over and over again in his mind. He heard everything she was saying but none of it was coming through. He didn't want any of it to come through.

"Move?" He muttered to himself. Tears blending into the fabric of his shirt before a sizzling anger began to form at his mother.

"So this is it? You're just going to give it all up? Give our lives all up and restart? Give _her_ up, mum?!" He felt breathless, like the air he was breathing wasn't going through his lungs. "Going to throw it all away? _All of our fucking memories?"_ He let out a humourless laugh. "Act as if this life never existed. Act as if _she_ never existed?"

Johannah looked up, "Louis. What else was I supposed to do? It'll be better for you. Better for us, Louis. The house is closer to my work. It's just a different town. About an hour away."

"Oh. So this is about you, mum. As long as it's better for you, huh? You literally could have done anything else, mum! Anything. Anything but this!"

Johannah looked down, tears falling onto the light green marble of the counter, turning it a dark olive colour. "Louis. Your _depression_ is getting worse. The house is already sold to us. It is bought, Louis. This is it. It's it." She put her hands up to her eyes, letting out a sad sigh, "I-I'm doing this for you. Everything I do is for you, Louis."

Louis rolled his eyes, wiping his wet face. "Doing this for me, mum?" His voice was tired and full of emotion. "You never even told me a bloody thing about this! You have already made the decisions that should require both of us and expect me to happily leave everything behind and follow you like a bloody puppydog! Yo-"

" _Louis, stop! Stop it!"_ Johannah screamed out. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "I already lost one of you. I-I can't lose both." She rasped out, sobbing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories burn the brightest.

**Chapter 2:**

_"Stop moving your hands, Lewis." Lottie scolded, prying Louis' hand back to its original place._

_Louis giggled, "but it's cold, Lotts!"_

_Lottie rolled her eyes at the dork that was_ he _r younger_ _brother. "If you move around then it won't come out as good." She said, sticking the brush back into the tiny glass bottle; that was filled to the brim w_ _ith the bright pink colour. Once the bristles of the brush were coated in the polish; she started brushing it across Louis' pointer nail. The polish was cold and wet as it glazed over his nails._

_When all_ _of his nails were painted over in a glossy pink; Lottie jumped up and quickly ran over to her nightstand. She threw open the top drawer before starting to rummage through it. She pushed aside all of the old pens, markers, thumbtacks, and other random pieces of junk before making making a noise of triumph. She stumbled back over to Louis with an old 'Peoples' magazine in her hands. She used the magazine to fan over his nails._

_"They're so pretty_ _, Lotts!" Louis said, examining his polished nails as he grinne_ _d up_ _at her._

_Lottie smiled softly, dipping the brush into the same glass bottle and brushing it over her thumbnail._

There's always certain things that are scary about moving into a new town. Like the fact that it's an unfamiliar place filled with unfamiliar faces, you don't know the areas surrounding the house very well, and there might be flesh-eating demons inside the walls. And although that last thing is very uncommon it definitely isn't unheard of.

A pop song filled the car as Johannah turned down a dirt path road. Houses lined up along the streets, fences seperating each lot.

Louis sat silently in his seat, thumb scraping over his plain fingernail as houses and small stores flew by. The car was too quiet. It wasn't filled with a voice that was too familiar. A voice of a girl that always filled up small cramped spaces with her thoughts and opinions. Louis still can't believe that at one point he used to ever get annoyed by that voice when all he wanted now was to hear that voice just one last time.

Johannah let out a slow tired sigh. "Louis. Just give this place a try, alright?" She said, looking in the rearview mirror and trying, but failing, to meet his eyes.

"Yeah. Alright" Louis mumbled back, looking out into the window.

~

The house honestly wasn't too bad. It was brick on the outside and light blue walls coloured the interior walls.

Louis shuffled inside the house doors, sheltering himself from the light rain that had begun to fall halfway before they had gotten there.

Johannah stood in front of him, looking around the bare walls. The moving trucks had already arrived before the pair, so a few simple furnishings from the old house already furnished the house. She turned around and gave him a big smile before saying, "there's a pizza place around the corner from here. I can get some if yo-"

"I'm not hungry. " Louis said, looking down.

The smile dropped from her face. "Alright. Well, I gu-"

"I'm just gonna go on to bed. " Louis said, looking up at his mom and immediately feeling guilty when meeting her expression. She was trying.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Louis breathed out slowly. "Tired after that long trip and stuff. You know?"

"Yeah, yeah. I understand. Well, your room is upstairs. First door to the left. " She replied slowly, before giving him another smile and opening a cardboard box labeled "silverware."

Louis started on his way upstairs, flicking on a light switch once he made it into the hallway. Light flooded the hall. Louis took a look around the space. He took in the light nude carpet and the darker shaded walls. A simple wooden door stood on the left of him and 2 other doors on the opposite side of it. Louis opened the door on the opposite side of his room.

He turned on the light switch in the room. His mom's Queen sized bed was placed in the middle of the room. Her dressers pushed on the wall beside it. Shutting off the light, Louis entered the room beside it. A nice quaint bathroom resided in the room. The walls were a nice burgundy colour, the floortiles a smooth white marble.

Shutting off the light, Louis closed the door and started walking; but soon stopped when he realized that there was another door all the way at the end of the hall. The door was almost hidden. Easy to go not see when first seeing the hallway. Shadows fell over the door, the lights above on the ceiling not reaching far enough to bathe the room door in light. He stood there for a second staring at the door. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was inside the room. He forced his eyes away from the door, finally entering the room that was his. He still couldn't help but think that the room at the end of the hall should have somebody living in it. Should of had a bright girl with long blonde hair opening it and smiling wide at Louis when seeing her nail polish collection already stacked neatly on her dresser. Then running over to him and begging him to let her paint his nails to match the light pink colour of her bedroom walls.

_"To celebrate the new house!"_

She would have said, laughing while she gripped Louis' hand, dragging the pink colour of the nail-polish over his nails. She had always said Louis had pretty nails, and that they were way more fun to paint than hers.

Louis shut the door to his room. His hand shaking as he flipped on the light, missing the switch the first few tries. Hand flying right past it. Finally the switch flipped up and light entered the room. Louis stood there quietly. Hands shaking by his sides.

He let out a deep breath, rubbing his hands over his hot eyes a few times before running them over his face. His sweatshirt was suddenly too itchy and his jeans too tight.

Louis shakily made his way over to his bed in the corner of the room. Stripping off his clothes, he pulled the covers over him, staring at the light emitting from the lightbulb on the ceiling. His eyes started to grow heavy and wet from the strain and the bright light shining into them. But he didn't want to turn the light off. He didn't want to sleep in the dark. Sleep alone. He thought of blue eyes and pink nail-polish as he fell asleep.   
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has a talk with his guidance counselor.

**Chapter 3:**

_Black smoke filled the entire space of the room. It entered his lungs, clogging them up, and filtered his vision until all he could see, smell, feel, and taste was the puffy grey clouds of smoke._  
 _Louis coughed violently while he was backed up into the corner of his room. Salty tears streamed down his face as he screamed until his back hit the wall behind him. The fire licked at his skin and heated up his pores. He fell onto his knees, crying and shaking while the fire danced around him, enlightening everything in it’s path ablaze. Shelves and wood fell to the floor, only adding and contributing to the fire._  
 _A dull buzz settled in Louis’ ears, the tears choking him up. He let out a scream as the fire began to crawl higher, hugging over his ankle. He thrashed around on the ground, screaming and crying as the hot pain seized up his leg. Glass shattered from beside him and a man in a red suit hauled Louis into his arms._  
 _Cool air clawed at Louis’ cheeks. A cry of a woman sounded throughout the night and suddenly his mum’s arms were wrapped around him. Her tears soaked down his shirt and skin as she cried and mumbled over and over again into Louis’ chest that she wasn’t ever going to let anything hurt him again._  
 _Louis’ body began to feel heavy with exhaustion and numbness. Sleep started to slowly take over and his eyes sounded shut. His mum’s hands caressed into his hair, tears blending into the strands. His vision was a hazy blue and then white bright light shot into his vision._  
 _A blood-curdling scream rang through the air. Louis’ eyes snapped open and his senses went on fire. Everything was too loud. Ambulance sirens sounded from a distance. Crystal light water sprayed down on the house. The scream rang again and clearer this time. Everything went quiet._  
 _“Louis!” The voice screamed in pain. But Louis could only sit and hear her scream and cry as his mum’s hands pet over his hair._  
 _“It hurts.” The voice sobbed out, screaming. “Please. Please. It- !” She cut off on a loud shriek of pain. His body was completely frozen. Louis screamed and thrashed around, crying. But he could only listen and hear as Lottie screamed in pain. Watching while the fire completely engulfed over the house. Black smoke billowing out everywhere._  
 _Her high-pitched screams slowly became more agonizing as the fire got louder and louder. Smoke flew around the sky, tickling Louis’ lungs._  
 _“Louis! Louis-“_  
  
Louis shot up in bed screaming. Tears streamed down his cheeks. His fingers clawed at his chest begging for air. His room door shot open and light lit up the dark crevices of the room. Johannah ran up to Louis’ side, flinging off the blankets of the bed and taking Louis into her arms.

“I couldn’t save her, mum. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save her.” He said over and over again.

Her hands rubbed down Louis’ back. “Hey. Hey. Look at me. It is okay. Everything is okay, honey. It was just a dream.” She said, hugging him close and trying to calm him down.

“It felt so real, mum. It felt so real.” He said quietly, hands gripping onto the bedsheets.

“I know, baby. I know.” She leaned back, hands gripping his shoulders, looking into his red blood-shot eyes.

“House fire?” She whispered. Louis didn’t say anything for awhile. His cries filling up the silent room.

He looked down. Tears turning the light sheets a dark murky colour. “Y-yes.”

Johannah sighed, she turned her head and looked over at the walls of the room for awhile before turning back to Louis. “Your first day of school is Thursday. They recommended for you to go in for an appointment the day before, which is tomorrow. I want you to tell them about this, Louis. Okay?”

Louis sat still in his mother’s embrace. His hands shook slightly where they were buried underneath him.

“Okay, Louis?” She repeated.

“Yeah. Okay, mum.” He muttered lowly. His breathing rate decreased slowly.

“Okay. Good.” Johannah stood up from the bed slowly. She fixed Louis with a worried look. “You’ll be okay for the night?”

Louis raised his head, “yeah. Yeah. I will.” He said, before looking back down. His eyelashes felt slick and wet with tears.

Johannah turned off the light and had the door halfway shut when Louis’ voice stopped her.

“Mum?” He whispered.

Her hand froze on the doorknob. “Yes, honey?”

“Thank you... for everything.” He spoke out into the darkness of the room.

“Of course, boo.” She replied, before shutting the door softly.

~   
The room smelled like Kleenex and sanitizer. A fake plant sat on the corner of the desk; and Louis’ eyes stared down at the plastic leaves, refusing to look up, as the woman talked.

A buzzing from the ceiling fan was the only other noise in the room. Louis soon paid attention to the rhythm of the fan, trying to find anything to distract him.

“So, your school year starts tomorrow for you, correct?” She asked, flipping through some papers on her desk.

Louis looked up at the woman. Her brown hair was tied back in a lose ponytail. Too much red lipstick stained her lips, dotting on her two front teeth. “Um. Yeah.” He cleared his throat, snapping his attention away from the red contrast on her white teeth. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

Finally, she must have found what she was looking for; because she slipped out a lined yellow paper from the pile and placed it on the top, before scooting all the way back in her black office chair. “And how do you feel about that?” She asked, looking up at him.

Louis’ eyes shot down at the eye contact. He didn’t say anything because he really didn’t know how he felt. He wasn’t happy, but he also didn’t have the normal first day of school jitters either.

“I- I don’t really know. To be honest.” He said, shaking his head at himself. It should have been a simple yes or no question.

“No, no. That’s completely normal.” She said. “You just are not somebody who really gets nervous a lot, yeah? And that’s completely fine. Everybody is different.” Louis just nodded his head. His thoughts jumbled up inside his mind. He promised his mum he would try to do better today and he knew that wasn’t true But still, he didn’t correct her.

“So, your mum told me that you had a nightmare last night?” She said, picking up her pen and scribbling something down on a paper. Louis nodded his head. “Would you maybe like to elaborate?”

He coughed into his fist. No, he wouldn’t really like to elaborate. “I don’t know.” He mumbled.

She raised an eyebrow. “Really?” She asked, not believing. Louis shrugged his shoulders. “Well then, start with the basics of the dream. What did it look like?”

“Okay. Well, um.” He muttered. “Everything was filled with a grey coating of thick smoke.” Louis started, mind running on it’s own as he talked. “I couldn’t see anything. Just the red blazing fire as it neared closer and closer to me. It had just started to crawl up my leg when a firemen hauled me out of the house. My mum was crying. It was so much like the actual time. Then a scream rang throughout the air. I knew it was her, I knew it was Lotts.” His eyes began to water and tears fell. “B-but I couldn’t even-“ his lips snapped closed as he rubbed at his eyes and let out a rugged breath. She nodded at him to continue. “I couldn’t do anything. I had to sit there and hear. Hear as her screams became more and more violent. I had to watch her die. A-and _I couldn’t do anything_ as she screamed for me to help her. I couldn’t do anything.” The woman passed over a box of tissues from her desk. Louis wiped his face and stayed quiet while she gave him time.

“Your mind is releasing emotional feelings that you have been holding up, Louis.” She said, breaking the silence of the room. “You have been holding these dreadful feelings in for awhile. Bottling them up. Talking to no one. Trying to heal your own wounds. But that is not possible. Imagine a glass bottle, Louis. You fill the bottle up to the brim. At first when it overflows it is little at a time, but then it starts to grow and gets more violent. That glass bottle is you. You filled your emotions up to the brim, they started to overflow. There is only so much your mind can hold in, Louis. You don’t want it to overflow.”

Louis stared at the ground and let her words wash over him. His entire body felt like he was there, but at the same time like he wasn’t there.

“Do you understand?” She asked, voice soft. Louis nodded his head. “Okay. Any questions?”

“I-I just don’t understand why it is always that dream.” He mumbled out quietly. “I don’t know why I always have that dream.”

His counselor perked up in her seat, “What do you mean, Louis? Have you had that dream more than once?”

Louis shook his head. “I mean. I used to get it all the time when-“ He choked up on his own words, not able to say it. “When she first- When she first passed away. Then they stopped. But that was the first time I’ve had that dream in 2 years.”

She nodded her head, waiting for Louis to finish.

“I don-“ Louis stopped himself. His voice felt foreign to his own ears. She gave him a questioning look. “It- it’s nothing.”

“Well from what you’ve told me, something must have happened to cause that emotional distress to come back. Since you just moved, that is most likely what it is.”   
Louis nodded. Mind still feeling jumbled and a mess.

“Okay. Well. It looks like our session is coming to an end.” She said, smiling at Louis as he quickly stood up from his chair. “Make sure you are taking your antidepressants an hour before school. Alright? Bye, Louis. I’ll see you next week.”

And with that Louis dashed out of the office. Pulling his phone from his back pocket, he dialed his mum’s number telling her he was done with his session and could be picked up now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis starts school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hey everybody. This is my first author's note on here, weird. Hahah. I really hope everybody is enjoying the fic. Please send me honest feedback. I really need it. Anyways, the first part of this chapter includes thoughts of self-hatred and also includes self-harm. It isn't anything too graphic, but it can definitely trigger some people. I do not want that. I want you all to be safe. I love you all.   
> -Dawn

**Chapter 4:**

A pale naked body stared back at Louis in the full-body mirror. The angle of it cut off just below the chin. The body was too lanky in places. Louis reached a hand out on his body and pinched a piece of his belly. His stomach was too big. He looked upwards, his eyes trailed down the faded scars that littered his wrists and legs. Some spelling out words. Others in a straight deep line, while some went in a light zigzag pattern. He couldn’t quite remember the time and place each one was drawn into his skin. There were simply too many. He also couldn’t remember the last time he had drawn an art piece on himself. It had been far too long though, he thought.

Louis has never liked the way he looked. Never been confident in his looks. He would brush off every compliment, every flattering remark, every praise. He didn’t believe it. Always thought they were just trying to be nice. They sympathized him because of his sister’s death. Staring back at him wasn’t anything pretty. His hands were too small, fingers too bony. His chest was not defined enough like boys his age were. His legs were not long enough, he was too short. Body too curvy.

Louis titled the mirror back a little until he saw a face in the glass. The eyes were rimmed with dark black circles. Lips too thin and chapped. Blue eyes were too dull. He was ugly. His cheeks were too round. He was too feminine looking. Had too many feminine qualities.

Louis stared back at the boy in front of him. He didn’t know who he was. He wasn’t sure when he didn’t know when the boy who met him in the mirror everyday was.   
Tears fell down the boy’s cheeks in a steady stream, dropping onto his chest and running down his torso. The boy in the mirror’s eyes closed shut and then suddenly Louis could only see black. A sob escaped his chest before colour returned back to him. Louis felt like he wasn’t in control of his actions as his hand searched inside his unpacked box of toiletries, he didn’t want to unpack his stuff in an unfamiliar place. This house will never be a home to him. When his hand wrapped around a familiar cool metal, Louis pulled it out.

Louis’ eyes stared at the boy in the mirror as he slowly dragged the razor across his chest.

1 for his body being too feminine and chest not defined enough.

The boy then dragged the bloody blade down over both of his legs. His tears mingling into the blood and cuts, leaving a sharp hissing burn behind.

4 for his legs not being long enough.

He cut along his hips.

2 for his body being too curvy.

His fingers then traced along the scars on his wrist. Louis was unable to move his eyes away from the boy inside the mirror while he slashed the razor against the scars. Blood pooled to the surface of the wounds before falling down his skin, leaving a trail of fresh blood down his arms.

When Louis tore his eyes away from the crying boy; he looked down at his own body and saw that it reflected the one of the boy’s in the mirror.

~   
Louis had only been at the school for a grand fucking total of 10 minutes and if he heard the name, “Harry Styles”, again he might just bang his head on the closest brick wall to put him out of his misery. He didn’t even know who the kid was, but it seemed like he was some kind of Greek God around here.

He currently stood waiting in a line inside the office so he could be handed his school schedule.

When the woman motioned him over, he walked over to the desk, ignoring the dull pain in his legs, the woman behind him offered him a small smile, which he returned back with the best of his abilities.

“Good morning. I’m a new student. I was told to come here for my schedule?” He muttered quietly, looking down when the woman looked up at him.

“Good morning. Name, honey?”

“Louis Tomlinson.”

The woman clicked around on a mouse for a few seconds before she smiled and Louis could hear the faint hum of a paper printing. “There you go, Louis.” She said nicely, grabbing the paper and handing it to him.

“Thank you.” He said, walking out the doors. The noise of her wishing him a good rest of the day followed after him out the door.   
~   
The rest of the day went by smoothly. He actually found his classes on time and only walked into one wrong class, which he quickly walked right back out after seeing the baby faces of a few ninth graders.

But as he stood in front of the cafeteria with a lunch tray weighing down his arms. He should have known his day was going by a bit too smoothly to be true, because now he stood there like a fool as people wove their way through people and sat at a table with their friends. Louis had just about headed for the doors, preparing to eat in the bathrooms, when somebody knocked their shoulders with him in a friendly way. Louis jumped up in shock and the boy let out a loud laugh.

“Hey, chill, bro.” He said, words carrying a heavy Irish accent. “You look lost.” He smiled, before gesturing over at a table near the back, “Wanna sit with me?”   
Louis was about to shake his head no; but then realized that this was an easy way to make a friend. It would also look better as the new kid to eat with somebody instead of alone on your first day. The table was also in the back away from prying eyes, so that was always a plus.

Louis nodded his head and then followed the guy. He looked down as he felt eyes watching him. He sent a silent prayer to God when they finally approached the table. He sat down across from him, eyes poring into the food on his tray. He usually didn’t have a very big appetite and especially when he was nervous. Unlike the boy in front of him, who was currently shoving everything on his tray into his mouth. Louis took that time to look at him. He had light blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Black thick framed glasses sat on his face. Louis averted his eyes quickly when his eyes looked up at his.

“You don’t talk much do you?” He asked around his mouthful of food.

Louis winced slightly, shaking his head, startling another laugh from the boy.

“Yeah, I can see.” He said, continuing to laugh loudly. Louis’ fists clenched together when his laughing started to attract eyes.

“Anyway,” He started when he finally finished laughing. “My name’s Niall. But you can call me NH.”

“Niall, we have already established that nobody calls you that.” Louis looked up when a third person squeezed into the benches of the lunch table. He offered a warm smile at Louis, “my name’s Liam. You can just call him Niall.” Liam said, laughing slightly.

Niall rolled his eyes, shooting a playful smile towards Louis, “I’m trying to get it around still.” Niall said before making a hand gesture. “NH. Sounds cool, doesn’t it?” Louis just nodded his head along, using his fork and pushing the soggy mashed potatoes around on his plate.

“Niall, I think you’re scaring him away.”

“Nah. He is just quiet.” Niall said. “But that musclely bloke over there is my best friend.” He said, pointing over at Liam; who was sitting beside him. He had shaven brown hair and Niall was definitely right. He was built. Louis looked down at his own chest for a lingering second. The cuts glared back at him from underneath his shirt.

“I’m Louis.”

“So he does talk!” Niall laughed cheerfully.

Louis listened silently as the two engaged in a conversation. Every once in awhile they would try to get Louis engaged by asking him questions or asking him to comment on something. Niall would playfully tease Liam and poke fun of him. A pang of sadness went through Louis when he remembered how his sister would always jokingly do the same. He pushed away the feelings as quickly as they came.

By the end of the lunch period Niall had his tray and Louis’ own stacked in front of him, not a dot of food left on either. He rubbed a hand over his stomach before letting out a loud burp.

“What class do you have next, Louis?” Liam asked him when he came back from dumping his tray in the trash cans.

Louis dug into his pocket. He unfolded the paper and smoothed out the creases. His eyes read over his classes. “Psychology.”

“Oh. Seems interesting.” He replied, looking over at Niall. The two locked eyes and grinned.

“What..?” Louis asked, laughing nervously. Liam looked back over at him and laughed.

“Nothing. I just know somebody in that class.” Liam replied. Niall still laughing to himself.

“Yeah? Who is it?” Louis asked, looking back and fourth between the two.

“His name is Harry Styles.” Niall said. A table of girls stopped talking when they heard the name, they looked over at them. Niall raised a brow at the girls and they turned back around, continuing their gossip.

“Oh.” Louis said, remembering all the gossip and giggling about him he heard all throughout school today. “Soo..” He dragged out. “Is he some kind of celebrity around here?” Louis asked the two.

“You could say that, yeah.” Liam said.

“What’s the big deal with him then?” Louis asked, slipping the paper back into his pocket.

“He is just real popular around here with, well, pretty much everyone.” Niall answered.

“Yeah, and he plays football too.” Liam said, looking away with a dreamy expression. Niall laughed and punched him in the shoulder. “What? You do have to admit his playing skills are pretty good.” Liam said, rubbing his shoulder and giving Niall a glare.

“Hmm.” Louis hummed, looking away for a second. “You guys know him?”

“Yeah, he’s my cousin.” Liam replied. Louis raised a brow at that.

“Why? You thinking about hooking up with him or someth-“

“ _No! No!_ ” Louis shouted, shrinking back in his seat when he realized how loud he was. The thought of messing around with a guy had never even crossed Louis’ mind, or anyone really.

A smirk grew on Liam’s face. “That’s the loudest I’ve ever heard you.” He laughed before his face turned serious again. “But don’t.” He said. “Harry’s my cousin. He doesn’t really do relationships. He’s more the type for a quick fuck and then leaving. I don’t really see you as the type..? But I guess if you are into just a one night stand I can give you his number if you’d like?”

Louis felt his face grow the hottest it’s ever been in awhile. “No. No. Liam that’s fine. It’s totally fine.” He choked out.

Niall laughed before sliding over his phone. “Put in your number, yeah?”

Louis’ eyes went wide. “Niall, I said I wasn-“

“Nah. It’s for me, Louis. Chill.” Niall crackled loudly.

“Oh.” Louis breathed out. He picked up the phone and typed in his number. Putting in his name as just “Louis,” before sliding his phone back to him.

Niall grinned, “’right. Thanks, man.” He said just as the bell signaled, ending the lunch period.

“See you tomorrow.” Liam said, shooting a quick smile at Louis and sticking his tongue out at Niall, before walking off into the crowd of students.

Louis said his goodbyes to Niall before making his way out of the lunch room and over to his last class of the day, which he was pretty excited about since Psychology was his favorite subject. He wouldn’t tell anybody that he was also pretty excited to see this Harry Styles guy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted to suck bruising kisses into the skin of his neck.

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

"Psychology. Room 137. Mrs. Williams."

Louis read the black bolded sticky letters that were glued onto the door. He took a deep breath before entering the classroom. Only a few students littered around the room engaging in conversation.

_Okay, this isn't that bad._   
_I can do this._   
_Just take a seat in the back and don't draw attention to yourself._

Louis' eyes filtered around the room. He saw an empty seat in the back and he quickly shuffled towards it and sat down. He placed his backpack on the floor beside his seat and folded his hands in front of him. He gripped onto the long sleeves of his shirt and pulled them over his hands. The heat from his shirt spread over his fingers and warmed them up. He counted his breaths and watched as the seats filled up more and more in the classroom. Of course a few eyes looked at him and watched him curiously, but he expected that.

Finally the late bell rang and the teacher entered the room and stood in front of the class. Her eyes went over the students slightly before she smiled and said a "good afternoon," a few people repeating the phrase to her.

"Okay, quiet down everyone." The classroom soon went quiet, only a few murmurs left. "So, today I have a little surprise for everyone." A guy in the front of the room let out a little whoop and a few people laughed. The woman rolled her eyes playfully and continued, "but first I need to take attendance and then I'll announce what it is."

Louis thought to himself quietly, wondering what the surprise was as the teacher started taking roll. When Mrs. Williams started to get to the end of the alphabet Louis felt a pang of nervousness hit him. How was he supposed to say "here?" He didn't want to draw attention to himself but he also didn't want to be so quiet that she would have to repeat his name. He felt his cheeks start to burn and his fingers clawed at his sleeves. What if-

Louis' head snapped up as the door to the room burst open and the most beautiful person he has ever seen casually strolled into the room like he wasn't ten minutes late to class. Dark brown curls fell in waves around his head. Louis' fingers itched with the need to put his fingers through the strands and pull just to see how long they were. His body looked like it was carved from the Gods themselves. His legs long and body lean. He was gorgeous. His skin milky white and creamy, green eyes in a beautiful contrast to it. Louis wanted to leave hot wet kisses down and along his torso. Wanted to wrap his lips around his and suck bruising kisses into the skin of his neck.

"Styles. Why are you late." She paused, eyes assessing the boy. "Again?" 

Louis watched as Harry's lips pulled up into a light smirk. And hot damn. Louis couldn't take his eyes away from him, and it seemed as if the rest of the class could not either. Everybody watched the scene in front of them with different looks of amusement, nervousness, and some lust, coating their expressions.

"Coach kept me behind, ma'am." He drawled out. His voice was rich and Louis wanted to hear it whispered into his ears. Wanted his lips to drag along his earlobe and down to his neck. 

Mrs. Williams shook her head, but even Louis could see a small fond smile growing on her face, and obviously Harry did too because he smiled at her.

"Just don't do it again."

"Yes, ma'am." He replied, turning around and scanning the room. And holy shit. Louis looked around the room in a panic because there was no other seat open but the one right beside him. Right beside him.

Louis watched in shock as Harry's eyes looked at the seat beside him before they fell on him. He felt his wrists itch under his sleeves and he looked down, fingers toying with a loose strand in his shirt.

"So, you're the new kid everybody is talking about?" Louis looked up and met Harry's teasing smile, he sat down and leaned over his seat towards Louis. Louis nodded his head and looked back down. His cheeks were on fire and he knew they were probably a blazing red right now.

Harry chuckled. "You're quiet." He trailed off before adding. "Cute." Okay, and what? Louis' eyes stared black holes into the desk and he refused to look up.

"Okay everybody. Quiet back down." Mrs. Williams said before calling out the rest of the names. When Louis' name was called he said a quiet "here" and only a few eyes snapped back to look at him.

To be honest, he was pretty proud of himself. He barely drew any attention to himself and he didn't think he sounded really that stupid.

"So, we just finished up Chapter 2 in our psychology textbook. All of your papers are in the gradebook and we now need to move onto chapter 3, which is about the human mind: sexuality." The class started to rise up in a quiet chatter.

Louis could feel Harry's eyes burning into his side. Louis' legs gave off a sharp burn inside the fabric of his jeans as his eyes looked up and he met Harry's. Louis watched as his eyes trailed over Louis' face before going further down. He self-consciously shuffled in his seat and glued his eyes back onto the teacher while she demanded for everybody's attention again.

"I know sexuality is a very controversial topic, so I am pairing everybody up with a partner. But do not get too excited because I am pairing you all up according to the alphabet." A few groans sounded from around the room. "For years people have argued over the question of, can the human mind and body actually physically fall in love and be sexually attracted to somebody of the same gender. For decades, the topic of religion and even science have been brought into this. I want you to do research and make a presentation on whether or not it is possible."

Louis' fringe fell over into his eyes, his head leaning over the desk as eyes burned into the side of his face.  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry and louis meet up for the project. louis blushes. harry finds it cute. maybe some flirting happens.

**Chapter 6:**

“Peterson and Reynolds.”

“Styles and Tomlinson.” She said, pausing to signal that that was the end of the list as she put the paper to the side.

Mrs. Williams looked up at the students, glasses hanging halfway down her nose. She cleared her throat. “Alright. That’s it. This project is due in a month. Be smart and use reliable resources. You may start now.” With that she nodded her head and everybody stood from their desks and calculated the room, looking for their partners.

Louis kept his head down while he felt Harry turn over in his seat to face him.

“Ever going to look up at me, babe?” Harry’s deep voice rumbled. Louis felt his cheeks quickly heat up from the endearment. Slowly Louis raised his head and green met blue. “That’s it. I was kind of starting to get a little offended here.” Harry’s lips curled up into a smirk before he slipped his hand into his pocket, pulling out his phone. He handed it over to Louis. “Want to me in your number for me?” Harry registered Louis’ shell-shocked face and he let out a breathy laugh. “It’ll only make it easier for me to contact you for the project.”

Louis paused for a second, thinking it over, before he nodded his head. He grabbed the phone and typed in his number then handed it back to Harry. Harry smiled brightly at him before glancing down at it. 

“Louis,” he said, dragging out the letters in his slow syrupy tone. “Fits you.” He said, looking up at Louis and cheekily smiling.

Louis shook his head shyly, “thank you.” He said, trying to contain the grin that threatened to escape.

Harry’s smile grew wider at finally hearing the boy’s voice. “I’ll see you after school, alright?” Louis nodded his head. Just then the last bell of the day rang.

Louis rose from his seat, gathering his textbooks in his arms as teenagers started filing out of the room.

“Bye, Louis.” Harry murmured before slipping out of the room and into the hallway. Louis saw him give a few guys in dark green football jerseys fist-bumps in the hallway from the open door and one of them ruffled his curls while they walked down the hallway; laughing as arms pushed each other jokingly.

Louis replayed the way Harry pronounced his name as “Loueh” over and over again in his head while he walked home with a dumb smile on his face.

~

“Okay, Lou. I’ll see you in the morning.” Jay rushed out, as she hurried around the house in search of her misplaced keys. Sighing in relief when she found them, she placed a brief kiss on Louis’ cheek. “Alright. Don’t be up too late. Pizza coupons are in the top cabinet to the left if you want to order in for you and your friend.” Louis nodded his head dumbly, not fixing his mum on the word friend, because Louis would not exactly consider him a friend just yet.

“Okay, mum.” Louis said in a hushed tone, trying not to let the familiarity of this rush to him. Jay gave him another wandering look before hurrying out the door. 

Around four o’clock Harry texted Louis asking him for the address. Louis typed in his phone while he plopped down on the living room couch, flipping through TV stations. He would be lying if he said he was not nervous. Louis could not remember the last time he had somebody over. And just Harry himself made Louis nervous. He made him feel like he was getting ready to give a presentation to the bloody queen of England, and that was not a feeling Louis really liked hanging around him. He always felt on edge in Harry’s presence; and he has only known the boy for a total of just 2 hours.

Suddenly a knock sounded on the door and Louis took a few deep calming breaths before standing up and answering it. Harry greeted him in a matching green football jersey from the guys at school earlier and the skin-tight black jeans from school. 

“So, are you gonna let me come in or keep eying me?” Harry smirked at Louis’ newly pink cheeks, “I mean, I’m fine with both to be honest.” 

Louis thrusted the door wider and Harry laughed before stepping inside. He looked around the empty walls and sparse pieces of furniture. 

“We’ve only just moved in.” Louis explained, shutting the door and standing behind Harry. 

“Yeah, I understand. No need to explain yourself to me, love.” And love? That was a new one.

“What’s up with you and endearments, Styles? We only just met.” Louis teased. Okay, and where did that boost of confidence come from? Louis tried to contain the surprise at himself off his face as he started on his way upstairs.

Harry looked at him with wide eyes before it morphed into a smirk. “Sassy. I-“

“Coming?” Louis asked, looking at him impatiently from the top of the stairs. Harry started after him.

Louis opened his room door and walked across to his bed, coming to a halt when he saw the body mirror, he shook his head at himself, walking past it. The skinny boy that hung around inside the mirror was quick to greet Louis when he walked past the glass. He paid no mind to him though. 

Harry shut the door behind them and sat next to Louis on the bed, placing his backpack down below them.

“Okay, so what chapter do you think we should start on?” Louis asked, flipping through a few pages in his psychology book and skimming through them.

Harry gave it a little thought before replying with, “each other.”   
Louis looked at him incredulously and Harry let out a honk of laughter. “Not what I meant, love. Although I would love to,” Harry winked, “I meant maybe we should get to know each other a bit more before we actually start on the project. ” Louis looked at him wearily. “Williams gave us a whole month, using one day to learn more about each other won’t harm anything, it will also make it easier for us to work together, won’t be like working with a total stranger.” 

Louis sighed, “alright.” 

Harry grinned, “see,” Harry drawled out, “I think I like the shy you better.” He murmured, “way more submissive.” Louis let out a high-pitched noise before going into a fit of coughs, startling a laugh out of Harry. “And your cheeks turn this lovely shade of pink.” He whispered, hand coming up and stroking Louis’ now overheated pink cheeks. His fingers drifted down lower and brushed down his neck briefly before he caressed the skin there and then slowly retracted his hand. Louis’ eyes burned holes into his wooden floors while he prayed for his cheeks to return his normal color and temperature. 

“Louis?” Harry asked, Louis looked up and met Harry’s worried eyes. “Did I overstep-“ 

“Tell me about your family first?” Louis interrupted, face unreadable. His voice was a little raspy and he cleared his throat a little.

Harry beamed before shooting off into a story about his sister named Gemma who was three years older than him; and his mum Anne who worked down at the hospital and took more pride in her kids than anything else. He told stories about how when Gemma was younger she would force Harry into an astronaut helmet made from cardboard and made Harry pretend to explore different planets with her. He talked about how she always was completely enamored with space and still is. He talked about how Anne worked shifts down at the local hospital. How she would invite him down there with her on different days to talk to the kids because she was a pediatrician and knows Harry loves kids. “To be honest, I think those kids really like me more than her.” He said laughing. “But I wouldn’t dare tell her that. It’ll hurt her feelings.” Louis found himself hanging off of every word that spilled from Harry’s lips because he was somebody who you never got tired of listening to. Somebody who you wanted to hear every single word they had to say. Louis could listen to him recite _Romeo and Juliet_ over and over again without complaints, and Louis didn’t even like romance. He just had that kind of air around him. He was charming. Louis would admit that much to himself.

Harry chuckled lightly as he finished off telling a story about when he finally learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real because Gemma accidently told him when they were younger and how he cried for about a month straight and refused to leave from out under the Christmas tree.

“What about your family?” Harry asked. Louis’ smile dropped from his face and Harry was fast to cut himself off. “I mean, if you are comfortable sharing. I don’t want to force you to do anything. You know that, yeah, pretty?” Louis felt his cheeks heat up again for like the millionth time that day. He swears if Harry continues this he might just explode. Louis pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to extinguish the blush.  
He looked up and met Harry’s eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. I know that, Harry.” Louis smiled. “It’s just me and my mum.” Louis forced out. He looked down for a second, tears clouded his eyes and he forced them back, cursing himself for always being so prissy. Louis felt a warm hand circle over his, he looked up at Harry. “Hey, we can always go back to this conversation later.” He said, smiling gently up at Louis before pulling his hand back. Louis quickly missed the heat of Harry’s hand over his. 

For the rest of the next 3 hours they talked about their favorite colors, weird food combinations, and the best brand of dish soap. 


End file.
